MARRIAGE AND LOVE --part 3

:“What happened lalitha, what is going on between you guys? “ he asked in a worried tone

: : “Nothing, we are fine. “ she said

: : No, please tell me, I want to know. Tell me why, kanti was so shocked to receive my call. I could sense an odd feeling in his tone.

: : Kanti knows about everything that happened between us before my marriage, I made sure I told him before Kanti and I got engaged. Nowadays, he is noticing a difference in me. One from my enthusiastic, bubbly personality to a reserved, lost in thoughts type.

: : I want to know what you are going through.

: : Honestly there is nothing you could do about it. What’s the point?

: : Come on lalitha, if you don’t tell me, whom else will you talk to.

: : Whatever I am undergoing is very corrosive. It is very dangerous for both of us. It’s better unsaid.

: : Nothing from you is corrosive for me, I am very stable. I really want to know what is bothering you; I know I shouldn’t have told you about my feelings.

: : Tell me one thing what would you do if you are stressed in life.

: : I ... I would go for a nice massage, maybe, why?

: : Massage is for the body, is there a way someone can massage a person’s mind too, and relieve them from the knots of unnecessary thoughts?.

: : What is going on?... are you disturbed? What are those unnecessary thoughts?

: : I am not repenting, not worried, neither angry. I can’t exactly explain, but in my mind there is this uncontrollable influx of thoughts, all about you. It is as if you put me in some kind of trance. No food is tasty enough to eat, no work is interesting enough to do, and right now nothing can engage me so well as you. If a day passes by without talking to you, my heart races, I question myself endlessly, why am I behaving like this? I find myself in some kind of tension, until I send you an email or call you.

: : "Lalitha, do you think we should get married."

: : Something pulled a fast break to what she was saying. Madly, her eyes were reading every bit of the sentence again and again. There was a time in her life, when she waited for these words so anxiously. Something deep inside her is filling itself as fast as it could by drinking those words as if any delay would vaporize them. With a racing heart and shivering hands, she said it,
: : "No, not now, I cant, I prepared myself for Kanti."

: : Fine, forget it, you were saying something, tell me everything you feel right now.

: : When we first started talking, I wanted to listen as a good friend and be completely uninvolved and that’s it. But little did I remember, I was human too. I think it’s high time I accept my state. On the whole, I have become very unruly to myself. A song, A movie, a couple walking in the mall holding each other, everything reminds me of you, don’t know what to do.

: : Lalitha, you know what, we are in love with each other. I went through these stages my self. If you were in front of me right now, I would have kissed you from head to toe. I would have held you so tight and would never have let you go.

: : See, just now... when you say things like that, amazingly something inside me, jumps up and down in joy. I didn’t know I flirt so well and enjoy it as well.

: : Lalitha, do me a favor, close your eyes and think about me, say my name in the depths of your breath. What do you feel/see?

: : " Nothing, I see nothing. Nothing is happening."

: : You are too tensed to try. Tell me something; did I ever come in your dreams?

: : No, u didn’t, not even once.

: : When you are alone in the night, do you ever think of me?

: : See, when I talk to you, I feel good. I don’t know if you understand this, but you don’t make me feel the sexiest, neither do you leave me normal.

: : " What a mess " he thought.
: :
: : There is something in you that I like. Cant quite figure out what it is, though. The kind of smile you give when you see me is gorgeous, very captivating. I feel good when you are around. If nothing at least, I want you to be around me. How would you convey that to someone?

: : I don’t know, so what do you want to do about this? This should end. Don’t you think so?
: : You know what, forget me, forget everything.

: : In life there are a few people, you like. You don’t know what brings in the liking; ending it, is not defined, as it is not in your control. You can only accept the fact or neglect it.
: : After a long pause he said, “I am sad”. I want you desperately. I am feeling bad that all the chances I got in India, I should have utilized them. In future, if I get any chance I am not going to leave you.

: : Why does he think that he should get another chance, chance towards what? What is it that he would do when he gets the chance, which he can’t do otherwise?
: : Our relationship, is beyond bed and sex, what do you think? Don’t make me a big deal,
: : Because, I am not. The best thing you could do to make me normal is to marry the girl that you got engaged to. I would then know that you are there somewhere, and think that you are happy in life. I am sure after that I will be fine.

: : After a long pause, he asked, “you were telling something about kanti”. Yes, Kanti looks at me and asks me “why are you like that,” "like what? " I would say, “I don’t know, you have no expressions on your face, But you are sitting there staring into that monitor for the past half an hour, u didn’t even turn your face once. Are you breathing, thank god? What are you engrossed in?” He asks me caringly; “I feel the whole house is silent.” he complains. “Lets listen to music or watch a movie then.” With that we would baby-sit ourselves. Even in the car, I want to be left alone, silent, for most of the time. He is not able to take it. He is getting worried. So I decided and told him everything that’s happening between you and me.

: : "WHAT! You did, how could you, what did you tell him, how did he react" he almost screamed into her screen.

: : I try not to have any secrets between us. He suggested that I should stop talking with you, and you will be fine. He did not think you have my number.

: : "What if I have your number,” He enquired.

: : I don’t know, but for some reason he was not expecting you to call. The fact that we are talking almost every day is bothering him. Its bothering me too, but I am helpless.

: : I still can’t believe you told him about me. Lalitha, I don’t know of any guy in his right frame of mind, who likes the idea that some secret admirer is keeping in touch with his wife. Let me ask you something; tell me the honest truth, pleaseeeeee. "Are you Happy in life",

: : " I am! Cant get any better, I have a nice husband, I can talk to him about anything and he understands me. He loves me very much."

: : Then why me, lalitha, why me, anyway forget it. How long do you think we can continue like this? You are married and I am almost married. You tell me what we should do. But I don’t think, now, I can stop talking to you.

: : Well, with me the way I am right now, 24hrs I am telling you something or the other. Even if I don’t chat with you, my mind is thinking that you are there to hear. So, even if you don’t talk, my mind won’t realize. You can do whatever you want to, Pichi baagane aekkindi naaku. At that moment she was thinking, is this Love, Is this what Radha and Krishna have between themselves. May be that is much sweeter and I am just experiencing a bit of it. I wonder if Kanti has ever experienced something like this before. He should!
------------------ continued in part4