MARRIAGE AND LOVE -- Part 2

As days passed by, he occupied her thoughts - the time when he did things out of his way for her, the greetings he sent on her birthday and the letters he wrote while he was away. She thought about the day when she wondered if he had a soft corner for her and reprimanding herself for doubting the intentions of a good friend. And she was drowned in such thoughts.
After a few weeks, it occurred to her that all these thoughts are futile.
'Why am I not able to get him out of my mind?'
She noticed a change in lot of things. Her appetite gradually decreased. All her work and weekend activities have come down to one activity - sitting and thinking and thinking - Thoughts all about him.
'If I went into a TAPAS right now, I am sure to get couple of boons from Lord Venkateshwar, and chances are even the Great God might appear looking like him'.
She runs mild fever. Between the endless thoughts and sleepless nights she gained black circles.
'I am not sixteen! I am married. What is happening to me? How could someone affect me so much? And why am I letting him do that to me?’

She was not effected this worse, when he rejected her. But the realization that he actually wanted her and she walked away was unbearable to her.
'Get a grip Lalli. Why are you so selfless? Think about yourself. What if he is putting up this drama, right before his marriage, just to see what you would do.'
"Look at that smile", she thought, "that very enchanting smile, those innocent eyes, he can never do such things. I know him."
'My foot, gone case, that’s what you are. He is a non-vegetarian, he is not even your caste, you are a year or so elder to him, he drinks, and of all things he has a problem communicating with himself, he is already engaged, for goodness sakes, wake up dear. Come back to reality'.
”I know I want to. But I don’t know how “

It was a Friday evening; her husband came home from work. They were having dinner and discussing about their day. She decided to share her thoughts with him, how much ever he could digest, so that her turmoil will reduce a bit. She said, "Kanti, there is something I want to talk to you about". They both went out on a ride after dinner and she started, "Kanti, when you met me at school, what was your first opinion? Did you think I was attractive? What did you like best in me?"
He smiled, winking his big eyes and said, "I don’t know. The first time I saw you at our orientation, I was happy that I found someone who talks my language. Later we became friends. I am usually not the type who could fantasize a friend, whom I meet often. Some times you would have your hair down, when you take head bath and I liked you the best then. Sometimes when you wore a fitting dress I always told you how good you looked. It is only after we have decided to get married, that my love life started". She asked him if there was anyone, whom he liked before , or had a crush on. He confessed "none, apart from some heroines!"
She then told him about this guy, and the gist of the conversation between them.

Kanti and Lalitha are more friends than a couple, an ideal husband-wife relationship. She told him frankly that this whole thing is disturbing her and she is not able to control some of her thoughts. She said, "When he said how badly he wanted her, I couldn't say anything. It looks like I am actually enjoying chatting with him. I also started to think what is the difference between enjoying his chat session and enjoying a nice story on the net, aren’t they same?”

"Lalitha, from what I know about you, things that are out of the norms of the society excite you. So, I am not surprised that you are enjoying his chat. But I don’t think it is very healthy to continue like this. What do you say?"
"I know. But I am yet to figure out how to stop this."
"If you want my suggestion Lalitha, give him some time, he will be all right. Don’t chat with him. Send him an email and copy that to me also, saying that you actually shared everything with me and you don’t want to talk/chat with him anymore. Whatever it is that you are going through right now, get it over with as soon as possible. How many days do you want to prolong this?"
She said, "OK, let me think over what you said and I will let you know what I feel about this. You understand that I am not talking about divorce or anything like that, right? If you ask me what you could do, please make me feel that I am the most important thing in your life right now, for a few days, for my sake, don’t make me lack anything from your side" she said.
He gave her, her favorite smile and told her, "I love you Lalitha, and you are THE most important in my life. Whatever it is, don’t restrain it, let it flow through your system, and you will be fine". This is when she decided that she should talk her thoughts out to someone.

That Monday morning when she went out for grocery shopping, he called. Kanti was at home and he answered the phone. After realizing who it was, both fell into an awkward silence filled with a variety of feelings and a lot was exchanged without a single word. When she came home and checked her email, she realized what happened, but Kanti was busy. He was working from home. She could not contain the curiosity and as night fell, she said "Kanti, do you have to tell me something, did I get any calls?" He replied, "Not anything that I remember of". "I checked the caller IDs just now, what happened when he called?" she asked. "Oh! Him, I did not know you guys talk over the phone too. I was shocked and I didn’t know what to say and he didn’t tell me anything either" he said.
"Kanti, he has my number as any of my friends have. There were times before when he called and you answered the phone and gave it to me. If you find anything unusual, please talk it out with me, I would greatly appreciate that. You hiding your feelings will only worsen the situation. I am sorry about all this. Give me sometime, leave me to myself until then, I promise, I will be back to normal."
"Lalitha, I have enough to deal with at my work, I have enough problems back in India. I am not looking for more at home also. Home is the only place I can be myself, only refuge I get from all my stresses. Don’t punish me by making me live with a wife who is lost in her own world. How long is it going to take for you to get this over with?
“If I knew that and had the power to manipulate it, do you think I would let all this happen? Kanti, I was thinking about your suggestion. I don’t have to hide behind your cc’ed email id to tell him that you know everything. I am not scared of him; I am scared of myself. Unfortunately, the problem is not him. It is me. Please understand me and cooperate, would you?"
--------------- to be continued in part3

MARRIAGE AND LOVE -- Part 1

There was a time, when she thought -every minute she spent is unreturned.If something great has to be done, someone needs to start and now its her turn.
She is Lalitha, she came to US to do her MS pretty recently. Excited about life , everything is green in front of her. Even though nature was celebrating Fall, her springing aspirations were budding rather rapidly, she found herself musing in the song, "Pyar hua chupkese", surely she was missing someone very dear.
Then on one day, it happened , the much awaited response arrived, all the way from India to US. Like a dark big cloud, gathering water from across the oceans, across the borders of countries. Finances, responsibilities and selfdoubt were the winds which pushed, rather dragged the heavy clouds across. It doesnt rain in Fall, does it?But it did, in her eyes.
Was it rejection that was unbearable - could she demand love?
Was it her bruised ego that pulling her down, ego because she opened up from her side - how long will she bear those feelings one-sided, occupying her mind like those zombies occupying the system memory.
But, surely she was shocked. It took her a little bit longer to adjust to that shock, than it took her to adjust to the cultural shock she was undergoing. But she was relieved, all her affections were packed ,tightly labelled "folly in care", burnt with her desire and aspirations, to prove herself in life, to get a job, to help her parents, to be a rolemodel for her siblings and then she buried those resulting ashes under the winters of her life, deep deep inside her heart. Seasons kept changing after that and she along with them, graduated from college, moved on to her jobs, married an agreeable man of her choice. People called it love marriage, she called it self-arranged , whatever it might be,she considered herself happily married.
According to her, marriage is a decision, u either decide to be happy or unhappy, and if someone has to change, it is ones own self.

It was end of a winter and snow was lazily clearing up for new buds to prop out. One day, on a weekend, a familiar voice rang in the phone whom she was surprised to hear back from. "He is in US!". Yes , he was in US, graduated, working, earning, spending, enjoying life in general. He was getting engaged with a girl of his parents choice and she felt happy for him. Anything uncertain, is a cause of fear. And a life partner, more so in an arranged marriage is an epitomy of uncertainity. If there is no fear or risk, there is no thrill in life. He told her how much he is worried as to what kind of a girl he is going to get, and she told him that girls do have their own share to worry about too. Expecting success in a gamble is possible because the number of chances you can take are solely limited to the amount of money you can afford to spend, if you know what you are doing. Expecting success in a marriage is dependant on the two people involved and a decision to understand each other and the will to change for others. This may sound too much of work and close to impossible to few. Decision to understand does not mean complete understanding and a will to change is not complete change. For all those people who think that they can have a successful marriage, they will. For all those who think they might not, they maybe right too.
Over the next few months they used the technology to the fullest ( phones, email, chat) and enquired as to how each other were, and one day he opened up to her as to what she meant to him. She asked him " u know that I am married , right!", he said but his subconscious doesnt. She immediately told him "subconscious mind can be changed by subtle inputs, so work on it." When he asked for her picture she counted on a few of her pictures with her husband as subtle inputs and sent them to him. The next day when he started describing how her skin is and her structure is, she thought that they didnt help, did they? He is gone crazy.
May be if I let him pour his heart out and I listen to him patiently, once he tells me everything he has to, he will be cured of me. What am i going to lose, its been 6yrs since i saw him, what do i know about him? he is just an Email id, a chat session and nothing more she thought.
Once he asked her, why do you chat with me, and she said my weakness is my friends. He refered to her a Meg Ryans movie " When Harry met Sally",she watched it and hated him for that. She thought just because they made a movie, she does not have to agree that men and women cant be just friends. when she enquired his thoughts on that, he simply said " i dont know, ask your husband". What will she ask, her husband was her friend too before her marriage.

In a couple of weeks he told her everything about how he was in the ninth cloud when he recieved her proposal, his relatives opinions, his indecisiveness, his immaturity in not letting her aware of his feelings, his anguish in sending the rejection, his trauma when he heard about her marriage, his trials to forget her, his fantacies about her and his remembrances of the times they met and how sweet they were. He could not do justice in marrying another, was his final decision. She bluntly told him that feelings can be undeveloped. How heartless he thought."Your marital abstinence is not a gift for my fancy " she told him. He asked her "Are you happy in life?", she said she is ."Are you angry on me, will you forgive me ," then she said " i am not angry on you, you had good intentions right, when you rejected me, i was shocked, but not angry, and Good Guys Get Good Girls, so cheer up. And moreover it is nice to know that there were feelings for me, rather than thinking that i misjudged your actions to affection." "wow , so pure in thoughts" he thought and repented for everything he had done,no may be for things he hadnt done.
"Lalitha i really think you should have given me a second chance, i called you immediatley after i came to US , right, u talked very indifferently". She said "yes, may be i should have, but i did not think i stood a chance, i told you i was getting married the next day, right, i had many things in mind , his parents, my parents, marriage preparations, invitations and i had no interest in doing anything else". He said " Dont tell me that you dont love me anymore" , she said unfortunatley now i dont and he said " you are A LIAR", she kept quiet. She said " are you angry on me, for not understanding you then ". He said "forget the past, i am not angry on you." She said "what do you think of me now" , he said " I think you are beautiful, if i ever happen to meet you in future, i cant stop myself from you, and my instincts tell me that you wont stop me either, i may be wrong, but my instincts are rarely wrong", she was taken aback by this statement. How can he be so sure she thought. "What if nothin really happens and we both part our ways as we came" she enquired, " that will never happen" he retorted. Look at his attitude, if i had the same attitude in finding a new job once i lost one, i would get it the next day.I am laid off, she thought.